December 2011
1 post
poppin' bottles, son. →
“Maybe it’s much too early in the game
Ooh, but I thought I’d ask you just the same
What are you doing New Year’s - New Year’s eve?”
—-
They looked cute while doing it,
while he was doing it better.
October 2010
1 post
Oh, Andy!
Yeah, yeah, yeah…
I plan on re-entering the world of blogging with a dramatic explosion of witty, hilarious posts… but until then, all I can say is I’m in Hotlanta on business and craving some GREEK. My all-time favorite. Mmmm. Missin’ my Greek.
Anyhoo, if you haven’t barfed yet, don’t worry I’ll do it for you. I’m 99.4% sure I just gave myself...
June 2010
1 post
Philly Willy
So lately my belly has become a bit of a meat pocket. Hmm? A meat pocket. A small-ish pouch inside my body intended for carrying delicious meats. Please don’t confuse meat pockets with actual pockets — denim is NOT a suitable to-go box alternative for your half-eaten steak dinner. Talk about learning things the hard way… I can’t take me anywhere.
Maybe it’s...
May 2010
1 post
It's all about the crust, baby.
I’m on a boat. Wait, no, a quest. I’m on a quest! A quest to make the most delicious pizza my belly will ever have the pleasure of digesting. Let’s be honest, it’s been a good long while since I posted last. But damnitalltohell, I’ve been busy! Busy repeatedly burning my poor little fingers in my 500 degree oven and even busier giving my apartment a...
February 2010
2 posts
We have chippies, We have chippies, we got lots of...
Going to see Pauly Shore, aka Bud, aka The Wea-ee-sle, perform standup tonight at The Improv in Addison. I know, Addison, right? I haven’t been that far north since I lived in my old place, Getsrobbedalot Crackalley Villas, nestled between the loony bin and the freeway overpass where unsavory characters met up to swap illegal substances and/or communicable diseases. No place like home.
...
Who Ate the Baby?
Question: It’s just now Does-my-ass-look-Fat Tuesday?? Jesus H. Christ, it feels like I’ve been eating king cakes and flashing my boobs for weeks! Doesn’t anyone remember the Super Bowl? I know all of you were sneaking fistfulls of purple/green/gold frosting while pretending to keep score or critique the lameass commercials. If I had a nickle for all the cake babies I’ve...
December 2009
5 posts
On the Menu: Old People Food
Last I checked I still had my own teeth. Well, almost all of them, but that freak one in the back was a baby tooth and was never going to make it through my twenties. Anyway, for the past few days my stomach has inexplicably forgotten that it is, in fact, an INTERNAL organ. Thankfully, it didn’t successfully escape, but everything I’ve ever swallowed in my life made it out in the...
Nice & Naughty
On the left? St. Mary’s heavenly treat. On the right? Lucifer’s Laptoppetite’s abomination of chocolate and diabetes. I just can’t help myself sometimes.
But, you know, it’s frozen yogurt — super healthy, right??
Yeeeahhh… That’s what I tell myself as I’m standing in line at Crackberry, trying (unsucsesfully) to control my salivary glands...
Hot Soup and Grilled Sammies
Cooking with The Greek tonight… it’s fucking freezing outside so I’m going to attempt to warm things up from the inside out. And then maybe we’ll prepare some food.
Mee-yow.
Updates to come — I’ve had all kinds of crazy delicious meals in the past few days. Lots of napkins.
Pardon me, but what the f*ck?
Snow?! What frigid asshole woke up this morning and decided it was December? Oh, it’s already December 2nd? Well, in that case, by all means….
I mean, you guys know how much I love cocoa and equally cozy-inducing hot beverages. And you know how much I love surprises. But, good God, there’s a limit! When you go from runnin’ around in flip flops, drinking micheladas on a...
November 2009
1 post
Check, check, one-two-one-two
*tap tap tap*
…is this thing on?
How ‘bout I skip right over the awkward, “So sorry I haven’t posted in five months…” jibber jabber and get right back to bullshit business? Cuz lord knows I’m all about the business. Great, let’s go!
The break-feast you see above was enjoyed on this lovely fall morning at Garden Cafe with my nearest-and-dearest,...
September 2009
1 post
...and she's back!
Well folks, it certainly has been a while. I’ve taken some much needed time off to travel, and since I’ve practically eaten my way across this fine country of ours - gotta love those frequent flyer miles - I figure I’ve got plenty of material for some new posts.
Come back soon, ya hear?
July 2009
12 posts
Audible/Edible
Hold on to your hats, folks, I’m about to soft rock your world. Turns out Chex is not, in fact, the Ultimate Party Mix. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a life long fan and will go to the grave with rye crisps clutched in my cold, clenched fists, but last night I discovered that Chex alone does not a mind-blowing-mix make. You’ve got to add a very, very secret ingredient to bring...
Perfect summer song for a perfect summer Sunday....
...and she's back!
Dear Kitchen,
Thanks for being so good to me.
Love you always,
Laptop
Dear Laptop,
If you ever abandon me for two weeks again, your head’s going straight in the oven.
Best,
Kitchen
—-
Brined pork tenderloin, butternut squash, apples, brussels sprouts, bacon, onions
YESSSSSSS
I want.
Pretty please and thank you.
Maybe it’s because I’m loving all-things-NY right now, or maybe it’s because I love all-things-Bittman. Six of one, half dozen of the other, right? Anywho, I’m attempting to train myself to actually follow a recipe. I never, ever, not once, have followed a recipe verbatim. I see them as suggestions. Suggestions that I can improve upon with my...
Let's cut out the middle man, shall we?
Cheez-it flavored lip balm.
Really? I mean, come on. Anyone worth their salt in cheeze byproducts knows (KNOWS) that this is a completely unnecessary waste of money. So wasteful. Money down the drain wasteful. Burnin’ money wasteful. Wipe your ass wasteful. Just plain wasteful.
Why? Oh, I’ll tell you why. This shit was figured out a looooong time ago. By a certain cat named...
June 2009
24 posts
LOLz Pandaphants + America's Past time
I couldn’t resist. The pandaphants are off-the-charts silly.
You know what else is off-the-charts? Guess. No, not Michael Jackson’s posthumous itunes sales (although they probably are…). The fucking mercury. Thermometers don’t even go up this high. I was practically sweating during a cold shower, and let me tell you, that doesn’t bode well for the...
Hey, Joe
Good Morning, Sunshines. It’s Thursday, I’m neither bright-eyed nor bushy-tailed, and the high today is going to be 102. Laptop isn’t very happy about this.
I haven’t cooked much this week. I’ve been cheating on my oven with some hardcore microwave action the past few days, and I’ve gotta say, I don’t hate it. Healthy Choice has really stepped up...
And I thought my "cocoa-coffee" was indulgent...
Ohhhh snap, bacon brew?? That’s hardcore. You bet your ass I’m requesting this at IHOP the next time I go. Maybe I’ll use some maple syrup instead of splenda, too.
Honestly, I’m gagging as I type. But I will try this one day, just to say I’ve done it. Like Kilimanjaro.
Image via lickystickypickyme
Cookie D'oh!
Well kids, it’s a sad day here at laptoppetite. A real sad day. For those of you who haven’t heard the news yet about heaven Nestle cookie dough, I regret to inform you that the very thing that gives us all hope and joy, raw cookie dough, may also give us urgent bowel movements and death.
So put down that spoon while you still can, and while you’re at it, shed a tear for...
Who wants a second helping of cincaluk???
I do, I do!
Actually, I’d really appreciate it if my FIRST helping would hurry up and finish cooking already. RUDE. I’ve been slaving away over a medium-high hot stove all night and I have nothing to show for it but slightly slurred speech and orange fingers. We can thank boxed wine for the former, and baked cheetos for the latter.
So lately I’ve been on this...
Strawberry Fields For-Evahhh
Today is going to be hot. Swamp-ass hot. The only way to combat the oppressive heat on the outside is to fill your belly with cool&refreshing beverages on the inside. I’m not a doctor, but trust me, I can play the shit out of Operation and I guarantee this cooling remedy won’t make your insides buzz or your nose light up.
vodka, chilled strawberries, hulled and sliced...
Mother Nature's Getting all Hot-n-Bothered
So, uhhh, how ‘bout those storms, Dallas?
I absolutely love summer storms. The atmosphere has the same feeling about summer that I do — it’s just too damn hot and sometimes you gotta jump in the water to cool off. Summer storms are like nature’s backyard sprinklers. Flash floods are the poorly manufactured Slip-n-Slides; wildly unpredictable with no regard for human...
The Best Thing Since...
…Exacto-knifed bread.
Muhlke, Christine. “Timeless: Wonder Bread,” New York Times Style Magazine,
New York, NY, November, 2004. (Editorial Photograph Illustration)
via www.kevinvanaelst.com
Thanks, George Foreman!
I’m usually a hardcore breakfast-y breakfast food person (cereal, pancakes, eggs, etc.) but I’ve found that whenever I wake up after 9:30am, I usually crave a middle-ground lunch-y breakfast alternative. I’ve heard this is sometimes referred to as brunch? Who knew.
So, after rousing my tired bones out of bed around 10:00, I was definitely in the mood for a sandwich. A hot...
ShrimpOnTheBarbee-InThePoolPartee
Whooooah nelly! Slap on that SPF, fire up the grill, and light up a spliff ‘cuz it’s officially summer!
So. Friday NIGHT. Where was I? Chillin’ with Jill & Co. at her sister’s SICK house. She’s housesitting for the weekend, and as they say, when the cat’s away… Amazing food was prepared and consumed. Adult beverages were poured and consumed.
...
Potty Humor
Knock knock…
Advertising Agency: Leo Burnett Mexico, Mexico City Chief Creative Officer: Jorge Aguilar Creative Directors: Rafael Martinez, Manuel Sandoval Art Director: Luis Sordo Account Executive: Marcela Berlanga Copywriters: Alejandro Ramirez, Cesar Lazaro Photographer: Flavio Bizzarri Illustrator: Mandaraka Estudio
Elmo gots new shoes...
Food related? No.
Delicious? Oh, most definitely.
I’m not usually a fashion/accessory/shoe hag, but these shoes are fun times a million.
Bon Appétit.
Yet another exercise in contradictions...
Tonight I stepped outside of my comfort zone, once again, and headed up to Addison after work to join the lovely, the amazing, the incredible Naama for dinner and drinks. Naama is everything that is good with the world. She is as raw as she is sensative, and probably the perfect balance if humor and honesty. Some people use humor in place of honesty. Not Naama. She’s mastered the delicate...
May 2009
24 posts
Just your non-average Sunday afternoon
As some of you random readers may already know, I’m a bit of a hermit. I like to do my own thing, in my own space, on my own time, ad nauseum. However, on the rare occasion that I DO leave the confines of my own selfishness, I always have a blast. People? Not so bad. Who would have guessed?
Today, I went to the Garden Cafe for Sunday brunch with two awesome ladies. This place is unreal...