laptoppetite

Pardon me, but what the f*ck?

Snow?! What frigid asshole woke up this morning and decided it was December? Oh, it’s already December 2nd? Well, in that case, by all means….

I mean, you guys know how much I love cocoa and equally cozy-inducing hot beverages. And you know how much I love surprises. But, good God, there’s a limit! When you go from runnin’ around in flip flops, drinking micheladas on a patio whilst wiping sweat from your forehead with those coaster napkins (you do it too, shut up) and then BOOM! You wake up one December morning and it’s snowing?? Hey Roker, give a gal some fair warning!

It’s not my fault that I passed out before the 10:00 news last night — I was exhausted after an evening full of stuff and things, and just because I’m unemployed doesn’t mean I can stay up all hours of the night watching infomercials & porn the news and then sleep it off the next day… No, no sir. It’s all early-bird-gets-the-worm-in-the-tequila for this young lass.

Anyway, what was I yammering on about? Oh yes, the snow. I apologize, cold weather gives me temporary early onset Alzheimer’s. The only time I want to be suprised by white powder is if/when I’m awoken with suprise french toast. Or maybe just once on New Years Eve, but that’s another story for another time, kids.

To be honest, I think I’m just depressed about finally having to retire my cutoff jorts for the season.  I mean, 2009 was chockerblock full of swampass hot days, and those jorts really let my lower half breathe.  So, understandibly, I’m a little upset, a little gassy, but mostly just sad that for the next few month I’ll have to wear mittens and sweaters and woolen everything. It’s all just so GD itchy. I’m getting hives just thinking about it.

Stay warm, my friends.

Check, check, one-two-one-two

*tap tap tap*

…is this thing on?

How ‘bout I skip right over the awkward, “So sorry I haven’t posted in five months…” jibber jabber and get right back to bullshit business? Cuz lord knows I’m all about the business.  Great, let’s go!

The break-feast you see above was enjoyed on this lovely fall morning at Garden Cafe with my nearest-and-dearest, Mary and Rachel.  Just three gals, eatin’ in the sunshine and chatting about macroeconomics and micropenises and whatnot. The image and occasion pretty much sums up how my life has been over the past few months.  Not the micropenis part, thank God, but you get the drift. Great meals with great friends (some new, some old, each amazing) and LOTS of time outdoors.  Nourishment, of both self and soul, is a many splendored thing. And like they say, there’s no time like the present — and no present like unemployment!

So yeah, I’ve been very much out-of-commission when it comes to those pesky little things such as gainful employment and health insurance and keeping up with this here weblog… but I have to say, with a full belly and an even fuller dance card, I’m having the time of my life, and going back for seconds, thankyouverymuch.

The “we’re going to have to let you go” speech (aka loveyou-butnotinlovewithyou) happened on July 20th, not long after my big work trip to NYC.  What can I say? Wasn’t meant to be.  Blessing in disguise. Yadda yadda blah blah STFU. I do miss my paycheck job, but the past few months have been life changing.

SImply incredible, actually.

I’ve used the “time off” to travel (and travel, travel, and travel!) and reconnect with all the people in my life whom I’d lost touch with because I was always too damn busy doing some such nonsense.  My defibrillated sense of interpersonal communication has also led to a few new cast members being introduced in my off-off-broadway production of Life.  And though I haven’t been blogging about food (my keyboard has been uncharacteristically grease-free as of late), I’ve certainly been having my fill.

So with about five months of slowcooked material, and with Fatpants-giving just around the corner, I think I can take this blog off the back burner and set it to BROIL. Because if you know anything about me, it’s that I like my puns and I like my char.

...and she's back!

Well folks, it certainly has been a while. I’ve taken some much needed time off to travel, and since I’ve practically eaten my way across this fine country of ours - gotta love those frequent flyer miles - I figure I’ve got plenty of material for some new posts.

Come back soon, ya hear?

Audible/Edible

Hold on to your hats, folks, I’m about to soft rock your world. Turns out Chex is not, in fact, the Ultimate Party Mix. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a life long fan and will go to the grave with rye crisps clutched in my cold, clenched fists, but last night I discovered that Chex alone does not a mind-blowing-mix make.  You’ve got to add a very, very secret ingredient to bring it to it’s true level of nirvana. I’ll need a few more test-runs before I can divulge the exact recipe, but when I do, you’d better run not walk to your nearest snackfood retailer. Trust.

So yes, my dinner last night consisted of mostly Chex mix. Tasty, but the slothful lazyness is making me a bit stircrazy. Save for one or two (or just one) nights of culinary motivation, my kitchen has been notably, regrettably, underutilized as of late.  My whirlwind trip to NYC spoiled my taste buds something fierce (damn you, Aldea, and your complex-yet-delicate use of spice!), and the partner-in-crime nature of most of my meals puts a real damper on the idea of cooking by myself, for myself.

I did, however, go to Central Market yesterday – which always gets me in the mood, so to speak.  That place has olfactorygasm written all over it. Srsly. So, with a well-stocked fridge waiting for me at home, I’ve been ruminating all day about what I should cook tonight. Still not 100% sure, but to really get the creative juices flowing I’ll need to have a glass of wine in hand.  That’s when the inspiration really hits.  Wineglass in one hand while the other reaches around in the refrigerated, compressed air for things to chop. Divine (dewine? devino?) inspiration.

Lucky for me, I was able to release some pent up culinary energy this afternoon. No, I didn’t mix up a vat of Cup-o-Soup in the break room.  I did some mixing of another sort, actually.  This weekend I received some ear candy from a very delicious source, and, inspired by The Amazing Mary (Queen of Awesomeness, Gifting and Kind Gestures), I whipped up an auditory confection of my own.  I love putting together mix CDs – it’s actually a lot like cooking (at least, my style of cooking).  They’re both an amalgamation of seemingly unrelated ingredients, mashed together in a somewhat haphazard, somewhat fastidious manner, and then burned. Lord knows I like my char.

Anywho, it remains to be seen how my mix will be received, but instead of thinking about that, I’ll turn my mind onto my menu tonight. Any suggestions?

UPDATE

On the menu? Crustless Roasted Vegetable Cheddar Quiche. Something else inspired, yet again, by Mary. I need footnotes for you, lady!!

...and she's back!

Dear Kitchen, 

Thanks for being so good to me.  

Love you always,

Laptop

Dear Laptop,

If you ever abandon me for two weeks again, your head’s going straight in the oven. 

Best,

Kitchen

—-

Brined pork tenderloin, butternut squash, apples, brussels sprouts, bacon, onions

YESSSSSSS

I want.

Pretty please and thank you.

Maybe it’s because I’m loving all-things-NY right now, or maybe it’s because I love all-things-Bittman. Six of one, half dozen of the other, right? Anywho, I’m attempting to train myself to actually follow a recipe. I never, ever, not once, have followed a recipe verbatim. I see them as suggestions. Suggestions that I can improve upon with my genius brain. Because I kind of know everything, and the people who actually know everything are just know-it-alls who shouldn’t be trusted in the first place.

I think I’d follow Bittman, though. Just sayin’.

Let's cut out the middle man, shall we?

Cheez-it flavored lip balm.

Really? I mean, come on.  Anyone worth their salt in cheeze byproducts knows (KNOWS) that this is a completely unnecessary waste of money. So wasteful. Money down the drain wasteful. Burnin’ money wasteful.  Wipe your ass wasteful. Just plain wasteful.

Why? Oh, I’ll tell you why.  This shit was figured out a looooong time ago. By a certain cat named Chester.  That’s right, folks. Chester Cheeto.  Everyone knows that cheetos, by nature, leave a pretty permanent stain on fingers/lips/face/clothing/ceilings.  And that stain tastes and smells exactly like the real thing.  All it takes is a few of those crunchy (or puffy…) little devils and you’re in business. Forget this Cheez-it bullmess. I’m done with it.

But Laptop, what if I don’t eat cheetos and I still want my mouth to taste like cheeze?

I don’t understand the question, and I won’t respond to it. I swear, some people.